SugarLoaf's life as a Tanker's Wifey!

My new life??

2007-07-06T13:38:00.000-05:00

Well we were among the lucky ones to get orders out of Hood!! We recently moved to Fort Carson about 2 months ago. I love it here, its so beautiful!! I am continuing my education at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs(UCCS). I and the FRG Leader again for our new unit, our whole battalion is just getting started here at Carson so we have starting the FRGs from scratch...but I can handle that! We got a cute little 3 bedroom house here, didnt want to live on post this time! Started to talk about starting our family, however I think we are still holding off, untill my degree is done. So we'll see. Hubby seems to be doing good, loves it here also, just had to get used to the elevation. This place has helped me see that it wasnt me being a terrible gardener...it was the texas weather(thats my story and Im stickin to it)I have been able to grow several different flowers in my front yard and I have many more in the back. Well thats all for today, I just wanted to get back on here since its been so long and I hope I can get back on track here!

Update--7 mos later

2007-07-06T13:17:00.000-05:00

Wow it has been too long since my last post. I was in a crazy state of mind at that time. My hubby finally made it home December 1st, and everyone was so right about so many things! First of all, I was making too big a deal of many things that were really not that important. I had taken our dog to the groomers the day before he arrived, I had my nails done for the first time since our wedding, and of course I could not get the damn house clean enough! The night of their welcome home ceremony at the gym I had two other ladies at my house trying to get ready, I was acting calm as I do so well, they were freaking out about their hair and all that, I just went into my bedroom, closed the door, and had my own quiet, freaking out session while trying to put on my dress....yes I got a dress just for the ceremony. I did get the flags to put along our sidewalk, a big banner with balloons tied to it in our front yard and then inside I had red/white/blue streamers with posters i had the family make him, and more balloons.
The moments leading up to him and the others running into that gym were nerve racking! Of course I kept going over and over if I had done everything I needed to get done before he came home, and if he was going to like everything....including me still!! Plus all that PTSD talk had me so worked up! It was funny, i didnt really cry at the ceremony, I wasnt smiling either I guess because one of the other FRG leaders reminded me to do so, I just had so much going on in my head. The couple weeks before our ceremony I would see the other ceremonies going on while I would be driving past the gym on my way home, once I even saw the guys running into the gym. I could not stop crying that whole day, but here I was at our ceremony, and I could not shed a single tear. Weird. Once I saw his face and we hugged, I think I was still figuring it was all a dream.
Anyway, its been 7months now, I think the transition went pretty well. I know I was so worked up over nothing. He could have come home to a dirty dog and house and he would have been ok. He was just glad to have me, our bed, and the dog there when he got home. At least I can say I survived my first deployment and even though it sucks, I can handle another one. I learned so much from it.

Calm?

2006-11-21T19:08:00.000-06:00

I am oddly calm right now.....not sure what to make of this. I will be visiting family for Thanksgiving, and when I come home I will only have a couple days left before it is time for me to go to the gym and hold up my welcome home sign. I have decided to go to my mom's a day earlier than planned, I just felt like I needed some down time. I can have days here where I do practically nothing, which some would call downtime, but for me its not, my mind is always too busy. At mom's I get to actually relax and stop my brain for awhile. I just felt that I needed this before he gets home. When I get back I will go crazy cleaning and thinking its still not clean, I will take the pup to the groomers, I will put all the decorations up, and probably not sleep. This is good though, because it means there are only about 2 days for me to act like a last minute crazy woman.

Me the FRG leader....

2006-11-12T23:26:00.000-06:00

So today me and a few of "my" ladies got together today to paint our welcome home banners for the gym and barracks. I had sort of been trying to put this off I think, but we needed to get it done this month! It wasnt so bad, except for the damn wind. We brought bricks to hold the sheets down, but that didn't help all that much! At least they are done and they turned out pretty well! I know the next couple weeks I will be so busy with all this homecoming stuff. I guess I will be happy once this part is over! Yesterday I was driving home from the PX and as i came around the corner I suddenly saw a huge group of soldiers rushing into the gym with their bags. I immediately started crying like a crazy person! As I continued to drive, I saw the white buses, and the rest of the guys in formation waiting for their turn to start running. I was having a "good" day, I wasn't expecting that, I wasn't ready for that. I was happy for those families inside the gym, and a part of me thought, "I still have __ days before he's home" and the other side of me thought "I ONLY have __ days before he's home" I was crying for awhile, but I could not tell if it was happy or sad tears. I mean all year while I have seen those white buses I knew it was them taking more of our guys away, later in teh year I know that they meant the other division is now leaving, but that didnt make me happy, it just made me feel those feelings of the day I watched him get on that bus! I hate those white buses!!!! John told me that I will soon get over my dislike for those things once I am in the gym and aware that the white buses brought him to me. We'll see.

In a weird place

2006-11-10T01:15:00.000-06:00

So I live in a duplex on post, the wall that connects us is the kitchen wall and the master bedroom wall...fun. As mentioned before, I dont talk to any of my neighbors, I think I saw this specific neighbor like once or twice. I usually dont go to bed till real late anyway, but if I happen to go in early and "hear" them I always end up in the living room for a little while. i would often hear them laughing and joking around, it made me miss john so much, because that's how we are most of the time, At first it just simply made me sad, but then I got to where it felt sort of comforting to hear them over there laughing and being happy, it was nice to know that I wasn't alone in the duplex, and they reminded me of us, so it helped me to drift in to thoughts of me and john. Well her husband just deployed a couple weeks ago, and I noticed that she sleeps with the TV on now...very loud! I don't want to say anything because I don't even talk to her, and plus I feel like I know where she is right now, she is trying to adjust to her life without him, she is alone over there, and just the silence can drive you crazy, so I try to zone out the TV. I noticed last night she was watching some war movie, I did that also when john first left, I felt like even the movies that were about vietnam or WWII could still help me feel close to him, or to maybe understand what he is going through over there. I know it doesnt really, but at that time I thought it did, and I was trying to latch onto anything I could. I have actually thought about moving my bed to the opposite wall when john gets home, just in case we are loud :) I don't want to make it worse for her because I know when john gets home she will still be in a transitional stage. I don't know if that is all just weird or not, I mean I don't really even know her, but I did start to think about that stuff.

People and their Comments

2006-11-10T00:54:00.000-06:00

I was just reading a blog from a fellow Army Wife. She was talking about how she is sick of hearing people say things about the deployment almost being over now and that she should be so excited now that she is at the 6 month mark. I remember that mark....it doesn't feel like some magical place, it didn't make me feel any different, it just made me see that there were still at least 6 more months to go....."stop rubbing it in my face" I felt like saying so many times! The first month or two was pretty hard, trying to find my place, adjust to this new lifestyle as a army wife without her soldier, now that I am in the last month, I have realized that this is also a very hard time, if not harder. The middle was so easy, I got through it all. I was asked what I did to help the time go by faster, and I really don't remember, I just lived life, found things occasionally to make a day here and there go fast. As much as I wanted to just sleep the year away, I didn't do that. I totally understand what she was saying though, the only difference is that I am in a different stage of the deployment so I get the "wow less than a month, you must be so excited!" those are the people I would like to smack around, those comments tend to stress me out more. I am usually a happy and friendly person, but I totally fake it during those comments, even when my husband tries to talk about how he can't wait to get home. I give him the support the best I can from here, I tell him I am excited also, I just leave out the details! One thing though, I think I would rather be wanting to scream throughout the day from the stress of the homecoming than to be coming home to that empty house for the first night, realizing I have about 350 more nights of that.

Homecoming Sign

2006-11-10T00:09:00.000-06:00

My husband counts down his days with so much happiness in his voice. I try to ignore the fact that its already almost here. Its crazy to think I am down to a couple of short weeks now! I made a homecoming sign to hold at the ceremony. I took so much time to add the blue and gold glitter. I almost went to bed that night leaving it on the table to dry, but as I made my last check around the house, I looked at the sign, pretty happy with it, and then I got this terrible feeling. I was suddenly worried that I could jinx myself by already having a sign made. So I ended up folding the sign up and putting it in the trash. I just dont want to take that chance, I know that's silly. I have the poster board, markers, glitter, streamers, and a banner for outside, but I have decided that I will not decorate anything here untill I get that call from Rear D...then I will have 48 hours. I mean I know that's cutting it close I guess, but I already know I will be going crazy during those two days, so I might as well have something to keep me busy.

Rambling

2006-11-05T00:10:00.000-06:00

I have heard it said a few times that the deployment is the easy part, its the reunion that's hard. Now that I am heading into my final month of this deployment, I see that its so very true! I can remember in the beginning of this deployment I was wondering how I would ever make it a whole year. Its weird for me to think that because I have been living on my own since I was 18 so it wasnt like I was not sure how to handle things on my own, but I guess it was the fact that now I had to handle his stuff too. I was soely responsible for our lives for the whole year. I felt like I could screw up and then it would be all on me! Now that the year is almost over I see that I handled it very well, nothing broke that I couldn't fix, nothing burned down, our dog didnt run away or get stolen or hurt, so i think things went well! The past couple months is when I have been feeling so crazy inside. Feeling like I didnt get anything accomplished this year, questioning our marriage, questioning my capabilities, my education, all that and more. This year I have been responsible for crap messes that john got into before we got married, the current finances we have now, the dog, the FRG, school, a job for a few months of this deployment, and trying to stay positive for the family. I realize that just about every other wife of a deployed soldier also has these responsibilities, however I felt that I was the only one not juggling them all properly! Late in this deployment I started to realize that maybe these wives also put on a smile and pretend everything is great to the outside world. I started to think about this during the reunion trainning class i went to in late September. I heard the other wives talking about things just about everyone else in the room nodding their heads. Being an FRG leader I feel especially pressured to appear that I have everything under control, yet I want my wives to know that I am on the same page as most of them, its my job to be the organized one, the one that looks like everything is put together, no matter how hard I may try I have it instilled in me to appear controlled and put together no matter the situation. I feel like they are counting on me to be that person. Anyway, I was passing the barracks today, and just like every day since they left, I get choked up and want to cry, I see him marching to the buses. Even after a year its still not easy to see the barracks or the motorpool and think about the day he left. My heart still breaks. Its truly bittersweet when I have been seeing 1st Cav leave, I know just how those wives are feeling, but then I know that means its closer to my husbands homecoming. This year has actaully gone by fast. Trying to tell me that 11mos ago, I would have rolled my eyes at you, all I wanted to do was sleep till November came around. Unfortunantly I couldnt do that since I had our pup to take care of and I'm trying to finish my degree, but I did manage to close myself off from the world for the most part. I know thats not healthy, but I was up here alone, no friends or family around, so going out and seeing couples at lunch together or friends walking into the wal-mart chatting and laughing, those all were too hard for me to deal with, made me feel 10x more alone! So I have stayed in my bubble with the FRG and school my only outlet. I havent even met any of my neighbors, and I have been here for a year now. One lady would come out and talk to Ranger (not to me, seriously) and thats it. I see some of them getting together outside on Sat. nights, and it makes me sad, but at this point I know that john will be home soon and I will have someone to hang out on my patio with. I hope my neighbors dont think I am a bitch, I'm just shy when I am outside of my element, and very quiet! I did choose to stay in my own little world though. Ok well I of course have so much more but I am gonna go to bed i think!

Feeling Guilty

2006-10-31T00:36:00.000-06:00

Well its 1230am, just got off the phone with John. I have been feeling really crappy most of the evening. back in August, my brother and his girlfriend agreed to help this lady that had rescued a whole litter of puppies that were abandoned. So once they were old enough to be given away I went ahead and took one home. I emailed John pics of the puppy first before to make sure he would be ok with it. We already have a golden retriever, Ranger that we both absolutely adore, we think of him as our child, and we wanted a second dog eventually so why not. Well I think it was bad timing. I am going through an unusual amount of stress in the past couple months, with the homecoming hanging over my head, school, and my FRG to name a couple. I just feel like this dog has added so much stress in my life. I know he is a puppy and its not his fault, but when I have shitty days, come home and he has eaten pieces of my baseboards and dust pan, dumped the trash can, it is very easy to be pissed at him. I never had these issues with Ranger, I think that I had pretty much 100% attention available for Ranger when we first got him because I had just moved here and I wasnt enrolled at the college yet. This puppy doesnt get that attention. I think even if I was home all the time, I am just not available emotionally or mentally right now. I find myself coming home to his messes, or puddles of pee and I just sit there and cry. Anyway so I decided to find a new home for him. I am dealing with so many other things I just dont have the time or patience. I feel like a horrible horrible person, but its a good thing that I am allowing him to go to a home that will be able to take better care of him right? So I was just getting ready to go to bed, and tomorrow is the day I give him away, so I have been feeling just so guilty. I needed John, just to have him reassure me that I am making the right choice. I went ahead and took the chance and called him, usually I never call him at this time but I really needed him so I tried, and I was so happy to hear him pick up. He right way asked what was wrong. I told him " nothing really, I just need to talk" and he says "uh oh, what did I do?" So I laugh a little bit but then break into tears. I tell him how the puppy will be gone tomorrow and that I needed to hear from him that he was sure he would be ok with this and not think I am a terrible person. Of course he reassured me as only he could, and between my tears he made me laugh some more. He told me not to feel bad about it, not to cry over it, it was better for us and the puppy this way, and he said "hell, just tell yourself I told you to get rid of him so that you can blame me for it" I am so glad that I took that chance to call him tonight. Even though I still feel guilty about the puppy, I do feel better about the decision.

Joining the Silent Ranks

2006-10-29T12:26:00.000-06:00

I came from an AirForce family. I can remember when my dad was sent to Korea for a year my mom moved my brother and I to my grandparents in St. Louis. I never really thought much about it, I was upset to be leaving friends, but now I have a whole new understanding of what she did and why. Anyone will agree that the AF life is so different from the Army life, but I feel that being an AF brat helped to prepare me a *little* better for being a military wife. It helped me to understand that dads/husbands are not choosing to leave their families, they are doing their job, that there is a line between the military life and the civilian life, even though you are a kid or a wife, you are still apart of that military life, everything you do can effect his career. My dad actually was deployed quite a bit early in his career, and for a period of time he had to go out to the field for 3 or 4 days and be off 3 or 4 days, that was a constant rotating schedule. We were used to not having dad around. He missed a couple birthdays, and a xmas and easter here and there. That was just how our life was. My mom had to be responsible for everything, and I never realized how hard it had to be for her with two kids. I am glad that with this deployment we do not have kids yet, so its just been me and my dog. I dont' think I could have handled a kid, at least not very well. So choosing to join the ranks of the military wife seemed an easy choice. John and I had been in love since we were high school sweethearts, so this would be a new adventure for us, and I loved him, simple as that, no matter what branch he went into, even if it was the Army! Becoming a wife was a huge deal for me, I felt that my mom had put on a great show of a good wife....the whole cooking and cleaning bit. I think I was doing a pretty good job at it, but I only had about 7 months of it before he deployed last year to Iraq. So apart of me wonders if I am a good wife that does these things or was I trying to impress him for those short months we had before he deployed? Will I be able to keep up this good wife thing all next year when he is home? When we first got married we were able to get a house on-post pretty quick. Even though we had been together for so long and known each other even longer, this was the first time we had lived together. We finally had a place to call our home. We moved my stuff from San Antonio the very next day that we got the call from Housing. I remember one night we were unpacking, he was in the living room messing with the electronics(of course) and I was in the hallway trying to sort out some stuff for the rooms, and then the song "you and me" by Lifehouse came on, john walked over to me in the hall and asked me to dance with him, we did, right there in the middle of our mess and boxes. It was a truly sweet memory. I quickly realized that it seemed impossible for john to get up to go to Pt and NOT wake me up. Eventually he mastered the art of being somewhat quiet...or I learned to ignore the noise...and he would wait till he got home from PT to wake me up, by jumping on top of me, yes sweaty and all! At least 730 was much better than 545. I am not a morning person in anyway, I hate morning, but it was hard to wake up pissed at the world when your husband jumps on top of you and starts singing to you with a huge smile on his face, even if it is 730am. Most nights I was able to have dinner ready by 530pm so that when he got home he didnt have to wait too long. At first I really didnt notice much of what makes a civilian wife different from a military wife. Now after reading so many posts and stories about the things we go through and experience, even the small stuff, I can see the difference. I am proud to be a military wife, even if that means dealing with tricare, housing office, your community LNCO, your husbands chain of command, holding down the fort by yourself while you wait for your husband to come home, knowing the dangers he is in everyday. I am proud to be an Army Wife.

My First Blog

2006-10-28T21:39:00.000-05:00

Hello readers. This is my first blog on here. I have been blogging for some time on myspace, however I feel I need a new outlet, one that will allow me release all these thoughts and feelings of everyday life of an Army wife, at least in my perspective! Today I attended an event called "SpouseBuzz Live" it was great. You can go to spousebuzz.com to get more info. I was inspired today to start my own blog. I am in the last month of the current deployment, I really wish I had this thing earlier! However, I feel it came to me just in time. I feel that I handled this deployment very well, but the last couple months have been really hard emotionally on me. At SpouseBuzz today I met ArmywifeToddlermom, I felt that she spoke right to me! She told this amazing homecoming story. It was not your typical sweet happy homecoming story. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I was beginning to think I was the only spouse who was afraid of the homecoming, who pretty much dreaded the whole thing. She helped me to see that I am not alone with these feelings. Most of what I am feeling is because I am just so afraid things won't be "ready" or "perfect" for when my husband gets home. This is all stress that I am putting on myself. My husband just wants to be home with me and our dog, wake up in the morning next to me, and sing his song in our shower. He is not expecting this whole idea that I have in my head. I know he has tried to tell me this before, but I never "heard" him till I was listening to ArmywifeToddlermom's story today. I am so grateful to her for telling her story, I almost feel not so crazy inside! I will be blogging more, telling the readers a little more about me, and I can't wait to hear any comments or questions!