Rambling

I have heard it said a few times that the deployment is the easy part, its the reunion that's hard. Now that I am heading into my final month of this deployment, I see that its so very true! I can remember in the beginning of this deployment I was wondering how I would ever make it a whole year. Its weird for me to think that because I have been living on my own since I was 18 so it wasnt like I was not sure how to handle things on my own, but I guess it was the fact that now I had to handle his stuff too. I was soely responsible for our lives for the whole year. I felt like I could screw up and then it would be all on me! Now that the year is almost over I see that I handled it very well, nothing broke that I couldn't fix, nothing burned down, our dog didnt run away or get stolen or hurt, so i think things went well! The past couple months is when I have been feeling so crazy inside. Feeling like I didnt get anything accomplished this year, questioning our marriage, questioning my capabilities, my education, all that and more. This year I have been responsible for crap messes that john got into before we got married, the current finances we have now, the dog, the FRG, school, a job for a few months of this deployment, and trying to stay positive for the family. I realize that just about every other wife of a deployed soldier also has these responsibilities, however I felt that I was the only one not juggling them all properly! Late in this deployment I started to realize that maybe these wives also put on a smile and pretend everything is great to the outside world. I started to think about this during the reunion trainning class i went to in late September. I heard the other wives talking about things just about everyone else in the room nodding their heads. Being an FRG leader I feel especially pressured to appear that I have everything under control, yet I want my wives to know that I am on the same page as most of them, its my job to be the organized one, the one that looks like everything is put together, no matter how hard I may try I have it instilled in me to appear controlled and put together no matter the situation. I feel like they are counting on me to be that person. Anyway, I was passing the barracks today, and just like every day since they left, I get choked up and want to cry, I see him marching to the buses. Even after a year its still not easy to see the barracks or the motorpool and think about the day he left. My heart still breaks. Its truly bittersweet when I have been seeing 1st Cav leave, I know just how those wives are feeling, but then I know that means its closer to my husbands homecoming. This year has actaully gone by fast. Trying to tell me that 11mos ago, I would have rolled my eyes at you, all I wanted to do was sleep till November came around. Unfortunantly I couldnt do that since I had our pup to take care of and I'm trying to finish my degree, but I did manage to close myself off from the world for the most part. I know thats not healthy, but I was up here alone, no friends or family around, so going out and seeing couples at lunch together or friends walking into the wal-mart chatting and laughing, those all were too hard for me to deal with, made me feel 10x more alone! So I have stayed in my bubble with the FRG and school my only outlet. I havent even met any of my neighbors, and I have been here for a year now. One lady would come out and talk to Ranger (not to me, seriously) and thats it. I see some of them getting together outside on Sat. nights, and it makes me sad, but at this point I know that john will be home soon and I will have someone to hang out on my patio with. I hope my neighbors dont think I am a bitch, I'm just shy when I am outside of my element, and very quiet! I did choose to stay in my own little world though. Ok well I of course have so much more but I am gonna go to bed i think!