Feeling Guilty

Well its 1230am, just got off the phone with John. I have been feeling really crappy most of the evening. back in August, my brother and his girlfriend agreed to help this lady that had rescued a whole litter of puppies that were abandoned. So once they were old enough to be given away I went ahead and took one home. I emailed John pics of the puppy first before to make sure he would be ok with it. We already have a golden retriever, Ranger that we both absolutely adore, we think of him as our child, and we wanted a second dog eventually so why not. Well I think it was bad timing. I am going through an unusual amount of stress in the past couple months, with the homecoming hanging over my head, school, and my FRG to name a couple. I just feel like this dog has added so much stress in my life. I know he is a puppy and its not his fault, but when I have shitty days, come home and he has eaten pieces of my baseboards and dust pan, dumped the trash can, it is very easy to be pissed at him. I never had these issues with Ranger, I think that I had pretty much 100% attention available for Ranger when we first got him because I had just moved here and I wasnt enrolled at the college yet. This puppy doesnt get that attention. I think even if I was home all the time, I am just not available emotionally or mentally right now. I find myself coming home to his messes, or puddles of pee and I just sit there and cry. Anyway so I decided to find a new home for him. I am dealing with so many other things I just dont have the time or patience. I feel like a horrible horrible person, but its a good thing that I am allowing him to go to a home that will be able to take better care of him right? So I was just getting ready to go to bed, and tomorrow is the day I give him away, so I have been feeling just so guilty. I needed John, just to have him reassure me that I am making the right choice. I went ahead and took the chance and called him, usually I never call him at this time but I really needed him so I tried, and I was so happy to hear him pick up. He right way asked what was wrong. I told him " nothing really, I just need to talk" and he says "uh oh, what did I do?" So I laugh a little bit but then break into tears. I tell him how the puppy will be gone tomorrow and that I needed to hear from him that he was sure he would be ok with this and not think I am a terrible person. Of course he reassured me as only he could, and between my tears he made me laugh some more. He told me not to feel bad about it, not to cry over it, it was better for us and the puppy this way, and he said "hell, just tell yourself I told you to get rid of him so that you can blame me for it" I am so glad that I took that chance to call him tonight. Even though I still feel guilty about the puppy, I do feel better about the decision.

Joining the Silent Ranks

I came from an AirForce family. I can remember when my dad was sent to Korea for a year my mom moved my brother and I to my grandparents in St. Louis. I never really thought much about it, I was upset to be leaving friends, but now I have a whole new understanding of what she did and why. Anyone will agree that the AF life is so different from the Army life, but I feel that being an AF brat helped to prepare me a *little* better for being a military wife. It helped me to understand that dads/husbands are not choosing to leave their families, they are doing their job, that there is a line between the military life and the civilian life, even though you are a kid or a wife, you are still apart of that military life, everything you do can effect his career. My dad actually was deployed quite a bit early in his career, and for a period of time he had to go out to the field for 3 or 4 days and be off 3 or 4 days, that was a constant rotating schedule. We were used to not having dad around. He missed a couple birthdays, and a xmas and easter here and there. That was just how our life was. My mom had to be responsible for everything, and I never realized how hard it had to be for her with two kids. I am glad that with this deployment we do not have kids yet, so its just been me and my dog. I dont' think I could have handled a kid, at least not very well. So choosing to join the ranks of the military wife seemed an easy choice. John and I had been in love since we were high school sweethearts, so this would be a new adventure for us, and I loved him, simple as that, no matter what branch he went into, even if it was the Army! Becoming a wife was a huge deal for me, I felt that my mom had put on a great show of a good wife....the whole cooking and cleaning bit. I think I was doing a pretty good job at it, but I only had about 7 months of it before he deployed last year to Iraq. So apart of me wonders if I am a good wife that does these things or was I trying to impress him for those short months we had before he deployed? Will I be able to keep up this good wife thing all next year when he is home? When we first got married we were able to get a house on-post pretty quick. Even though we had been together for so long and known each other even longer, this was the first time we had lived together. We finally had a place to call our home. We moved my stuff from San Antonio the very next day that we got the call from Housing. I remember one night we were unpacking, he was in the living room messing with the electronics(of course) and I was in the hallway trying to sort out some stuff for the rooms, and then the song "you and me" by Lifehouse came on, john walked over to me in the hall and asked me to dance with him, we did, right there in the middle of our mess and boxes. It was a truly sweet memory. I quickly realized that it seemed impossible for john to get up to go to Pt and NOT wake me up. Eventually he mastered the art of being somewhat quiet...or I learned to ignore the noise...and he would wait till he got home from PT to wake me up, by jumping on top of me, yes sweaty and all! At least 730 was much better than 545. I am not a morning person in anyway, I hate morning, but it was hard to wake up pissed at the world when your husband jumps on top of you and starts singing to you with a huge smile on his face, even if it is 730am. Most nights I was able to have dinner ready by 530pm so that when he got home he didnt have to wait too long. At first I really didnt notice much of what makes a civilian wife different from a military wife. Now after reading so many posts and stories about the things we go through and experience, even the small stuff, I can see the difference. I am proud to be a military wife, even if that means dealing with tricare, housing office, your community LNCO, your husbands chain of command, holding down the fort by yourself while you wait for your husband to come home, knowing the dangers he is in everyday. I am proud to be an Army Wife.

My First Blog

Hello readers. This is my first blog on here. I have been blogging for some time on myspace, however I feel I need a new outlet, one that will allow me release all these thoughts and feelings of everyday life of an Army wife, at least in my perspective! Today I attended an event called "SpouseBuzz Live" it was great. You can go to spousebuzz.com to get more info. I was inspired today to start my own blog. I am in the last month of the current deployment, I really wish I had this thing earlier! However, I feel it came to me just in time. I feel that I handled this deployment very well, but the last couple months have been really hard emotionally on me. At SpouseBuzz today I met ArmywifeToddlermom, I felt that she spoke right to me! She told this amazing homecoming story. It was not your typical sweet happy homecoming story. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I was beginning to think I was the only spouse who was afraid of the homecoming, who pretty much dreaded the whole thing. She helped me to see that I am not alone with these feelings. Most of what I am feeling is because I am just so afraid things won't be "ready" or "perfect" for when my husband gets home. This is all stress that I am putting on myself. My husband just wants to be home with me and our dog, wake up in the morning next to me, and sing his song in our shower. He is not expecting this whole idea that I have in my head. I know he has tried to tell me this before, but I never "heard" him till I was listening to ArmywifeToddlermom's story today. I am so grateful to her for telling her story, I almost feel not so crazy inside! I will be blogging more, telling the readers a little more about me, and I can't wait to hear any comments or questions!